Mike Rutledge.CA

Over the last few months I have had a great amount of conversations with some pretty good friends, who happen to be single, about relationships, finding ‘that’ person, etc. During one of those conversations recently, I began asking myself, if I were to do it all over again, in some crazy depressing world where my beautiful and awesome wife didn’t exist, what would I do differently? What would I do the same? And what follows are 4 things that I continue to tell those who ask me,  4 F’s for singles to consider.

1. Friendship

Yes, it’s a complete cliché about dating, but it’s so very vital. We often sexualize our relationship way too much and miss the beauty of the friendship that is really intended in marriage.  Emily and I have known each other almost 7 years, and looking back over those years, the thing that I regret the most was that I wasn’t a very good friend, I didn’t work hard enough to deepen our friendship. I think we have fun, I know we love each other, but now that we are married and ‘doing life’ together, the importance of friendship is way more evident to me than ever before. I know I can say with confidence that I did marry my best friend, but I cannot say that I am always good friend. The pursuit of friendship should trump the pursuit of dating/courtship/whatever you want to call the serious relationship status. Finding a friend to fall in love with is better than finding a lover to become a friend of. Learning about the other person, developing the ability to have deep conversation, having a genuine care for the other’s thoughts, imagination, creativity, fears, hopes and beyond. These things have little to do with sexual attraction, or even the commitment/covenant to love. (You can covenant with someone and not be their friend) These are the seeds of deep personal, intimate, long lasting friendship that will far out weight beauty and attraction. Single people seek to be a better friend, allow God to lead you through friendship. Marry your absolute best friend, it will make things easier in the long run.

2. Future

One of the most dumbest things a single person can do is pursue a relationship with someone who is totally on another page, on a different planet, or going in an opposite direction. For example, if you feel called to be a missionary in Africa and your significant other feels called to be a church planter in California, you might run into some problems! If you want 8 kids, and they want 0, you might have some issue. Now, don’t get me wrong, as you grow, you change, mature, compromise, but if your life paths, ‘callings’, are pulling you in opposite directions, that is a breeding ground for dissention. What this means is that if you are serious about a relationship you need to have some real big talks, getting to know the future plans of each of your lives and how they fit together or if they can. As I said, somethings can change, how many kids you want, what city you live in, (when I first met Emily she wasn’t going to get married until she was 27, then I married her at 19) but big ‘calling’ issues, are harder to resolve. And you don’t want to get so invested, then find you are going opposite ways, either you will cave, and give up God’s call, or they will cave, or you will be trying to ‘be one’ while running in different direction, and I think we can all see why that wouldn’t be a good idea.

3. Functionality

This is just a practical note. Relationship are hard enough when you are on the same page, going the same direction, but even harder when you both just really don’t mesh well. I have seen this is both directions. A couple trying really hard, but are too alike that it doesn’t work and too different that it doesn’t work. This is actually a place of strength for Emily and I. We really do well to balance each other out. Just practically think through how you and that person work together, is it a good team dynamic (this will somewhat flow from your level of friendship as well). If you don’t work together well before your married, good luck after. The little things you put up with now, you will not want to put up with in 20 years.

This also relates to faith and spiritual practices. Obviously you both need to deeply love Jesus and have the essentials in agreement, but then even working through secondary issues is an important thing to do. For example, what if you come from a charismatic background, and they are from a cessationist background. What will the theology of your house be? Are the gifts still legitimate or not? What will your kids believe? What church will you BOTH attend together? Having the same theology is important. Another maybe more controversial thing would be the role of husband/wife in a marriage. If you hold a complimentarian position, holding to headship, and they are a egalitarian, and don’t define headship the same way, that might cause some easily foreseen conflicts. So, you need to be matched theologically more than just both of you loving Jesus.

4. Formation

Singles, your position in life is a blessing! Don’t view it otherwise. This is a glorious opportunity for you to grow, discover more about who God made you to be, and serve in the church without the added pressure of a marriage or a significant relationship. Don’t get me wrong, Genesis makes it very clear that we, men especially, aren’t good alone, and that God has placed in most of us a proper desire for intimacy and marriage. So don’t try to kill those feelings, but be really careful not to idolize them either. You have got to work hard to keep your heart in check, to keep the balance just right. To deny the longing as some people teach is just foolish and denies what God has put in you, but to idolize relationships is to cause you to loose your focus, obsessing over things God never intended you to. You are not dependent on being in a relationship and your value supersedes being ‘loved’ by someone. Take this time in your life seriously and grow spiritually. Here’s some truth: you will never be ready for marriage. So do all you can to prepare yourself. No one is ever selfless enough to serve their spouse as they are supposed to, so discipline yourself to grow in selflessness now. Stop writing the list of who you want your spouse to be and start becoming the spouse someone else would want!

I know singleness sometimes feels like a prison, but its not. It’s a season where God is forming you. Give your whole heart to it, use wisdom, and think long term.