Mike Rutledge.CA

I haven’t written anything in a while. In fact, it has been almost 2 months and there is a reason for that. Honestly, a few different reasons. Some pathetic ones, like laziness, time management, and drive – I have started a few blogs, but end up not finishing them. But really the over arching reason, the one that somewhat trumps the rest (and maybe feeds them as well), is that the more I mature, the more I realize how little I really know about.

I am 24 years old and in that short lifespan, I have never felt so gloriously inadequate as I do right now. In under 2 years I have graduated, got married, moved away, started my first Lead Pastor position, bought a house, and now in under 2 months, have a daughter coming. Talk about a sucker for punishment. And if you were to ask me a year ago if I could do it all, I would have told you that I could do it. I ‘knew’ how to be a pastor, I ‘knew’ how to be a husband, I ‘knew’ how to be a father, I ‘knew’ how to be a home owner. But…you know which of those I am truly good at? None of the above. And I don’t say that in some pity getting way. I am fully aware of that fact that I am an immature pastor, husband and soon to be father. That’s just the truth. Now… could I write blogs about being a dad? Yep. Have I wrote blogs about marriage? Yes. But in recent days Jesus has been really good to me, and has allowed me to see the glorious ruin that is my life.

I know a lot, but I don’t know a lot. How could I?! Knowledge doesn’t make a good husband, sacrifice does. Knowledge doesn’t make a good daddy, love does. And I simply haven’t had enough time walking with Jesus to know how to do do those things well.

I think all of this has a lot to do with my daughter coming. In recent days I have had to reflect more on the fact that in less than 2 months my life is going to change.

Forever.

And that change is that another human life, another soul, is going to place in my hands (and Emily’s) to raise, influence, lead, and love. And all the knowledge I have on parenting, parenting styles, conflict resolution, child psychology, discipline, may help me, but it cannot make me a good dad. And then add to that my deeply held belief that the best thing a father can do for his kids is to love their mom well and forever. Therefore, making me question how well I am doing with loving Emily. And then add to that the fact that more and more I am gaining the realization of the burden (and joy) that leading a church is.

Jesus has led me to a place where I can quite honestly say I am more aware of what I don’t know than what I do, and it is right where I need to be.  Because it is in this place – this place of inadequacy, of smallness, of feeling unqualified – that Jesus can lift my head, and say to me “Finally, we can get some work done.” The irony all along was that I needed to get to the place of knowing I don’t know to start the process of really getting to know. Jesus wanted the driver seat, but I kept giving him the map and then calling it trust and dependance. But trust, real trust, is letting Him drive. Letting Him lead. Letting Him teach me the very things I think I know. Letting Him give me wisdom. Letting Him into the driver seat and buckling up.