Mike Rutledge.CA

I have been asked enough times in recent days why I haven’t posted anything in over a year, that I figured I would use the answer to that question to post something.  To be honest, it’s not that I haven’t written anything, or more to reality,  at least started many posts. It’s not that I haven’t seen an issue or thought of a topic that compelled me to want to write something. Given the line of work that I am in, and one of the main task I perform – preaching – I tend to always have something to say.

But…

…having something to say and having something worthwhile to say are very different things. And truthfully, that is really what I told myself was the reason why I didn’t post anymore. What to me sounded like a down to earth humility – which is what I intended it to be – was really more a false humility. See the thing is, in the last 3 years of leading a church, one of the greatest things I have had to learn is humility. I have learned that I don’t know as much as I thought I did. That I don’t deeply understand life the way I would have told you I did back then. And I have come to realize something about the modern world – a world full of voices, full of outlets for opinion,  whether good or not. We have seemingly forgotten that just because I can speak, just because I have the option of sharing my thoughts, doesn’t mean my thoughts are true or helpful. And so, in a sea of voices, you never want to just be another one. So I told myself that until I have something truly valuable to add to the information tsunami that is the internet,  I would just not say anything. I told myself that I really haven’t earned the right to speak, yet. I didn’t want to assume like it seems so many people do, that just because I can have a voice, that I should speak. Maybe in a few years from now. Once I have accomplished something. Once I have proven myself, then…then I would be able to deliver the kind of good or value I want to.

Here’s there thing though, maybe on the surface that sounds like a humble approach to the world of writing, but in my heart it wasn’t. It has nothing to do with humility at all (though I would argue that some of us maybe need to think more about the above idea). The reason I can say that it wasn’t humility is because every single week I stand in front of a crowd and do my best to communicate to them about life, how to live, God, pain, joy, and the soul. And so, telling myself that I have nothing of value to add the proverbial conversation is contradictory to the very calling and job I do every single week. What I told myself was humility, was and is, actually fear, insecurity, and laziness. Bathed in the language of humility and patience, was the fear of failing. The fear of rejection. The fear of being found not enough. The lack of motivation not write. Lack of love for the reader. Lack of desire to deal with those who disagree. And disobedience to what I felt God was leading me in, because of the a aforementioned issues. This really is a mess of soul issues.

Yes. A pastor. A “spiritual leader”. Still, though in the grace of God, a mess. Instead of acting in true humility – that is, acting justly towards how God has made me – I have really been afraid. Afraid of being found out that I am not as wise as I wanted you to think I was. Or being afraid that I haven’t thought through a post enough – and being seen as an idiot. Or being afraid, that you, the reader, won’t like it (a.k.a. me), and though I may never meet you, still feel the weight of that perceived rejection since a post didn’t get the kind of response I wanted – we know our stats, and stats become a prison.

You may not write. You may not preach. You may do one of the million things that I cannot. But if you have a soul. You know what I am talking about. If you are human, you know fear. There are things in life that God has called you to do. Tasks God has placed in you to do. Everyday opportunities He has given you to step into. And, yes there are seasons of growth and humility that you NEED to walk though, but there is also the point where you move beyond false humility and step right past fear and obey God.

When fear is in the driver seat, when fear is the ‘god’ of your heart, time will be wasted, opportunities will be lost, and lessons missed…oh, and we disobey God.

What has God put in your heart to do that fear is not letting you do?

And by the way, the short answer to solve your fear, is not self generated bravery. It’s not standing in front a mirror telling yourself you can do it. That you can get over this. That you can step out. The solution is a deepening relationship with Jesus. Trust me, I am walking in it right now. And I am not talking about the T.V. Jesus, you think you know. I mean the real Jesus. Any fear you have – think of any one – and Jesus, the gospel of his unending, irrevocable, love and amazing, welcoming, grace, is the antidote. But don’t take my word for it. Search for yourself.

To the fear of rejection, failure, missing out, not being enough, pain, success…I say Jesus. Because these kinds of fear are symptoms of a insecure soul. Of a broken soul. And the level to which we truly understand the grace of Jesus, the implication of His salvation, the power of the soul level affection, affirmation, and approval, received because of him, to the level that we understand that, will be the level at which we can walk fearlessly.

This is not a post to get some sort of affirmation from you, the reader. I have Jesus for that. This post doesn’t mean that I will obey God perfectly and write as I should – we are all works in progress.  This is a post to use the reality of one messy soul as an invitation to have our wounded souls mended day by day by the great physician. And maybe, for you, this can be an instrument in his hand to preform the surgery your soul might be needing.

God has placed his calling in you. God has tasked you. Trust Jesus. Fight fear. Obey Him.