Mike Rutledge.CA

I don’t know about you, but have you ever noticed that when a couple has a wedding anniversary, the first question we ask them is how long they have been married? And then, if they happen to tell us some relatively large number, 15, 20, 50 years, we applaud them for simply making it that long? Not that that is inherently bad, but doesn’t it seem like when we do this, we are saying that the expectation is that marriage shouldn’t have lasted that long or that the longevity of a marriage is the quintessential sign of a good marriage?

Now don’t get me wrong. Marriage by its nature is meant to be lifelong, and so that should be an assumed part of getting married – we are in this till the end. And in a culture where marriage isn’t necessarily praised in and of itself, we should definitely strive for longevity, but…being married myself, working with married couples, and teaching on marriage, I have come to realize that the goal of longevity, the goal of making it last to our last day, though necessary, has to be secondary.

If the way that we judge a marriage – your marriage – is if it made it through another year or not (this might be you if complacency sets in your heart when you realize you’ve made it to the next anniversary), or if it lasted to that next year milestone, then the very commitment that supports that kind of longevity can actually become a prison that a spouse lives in. Why? Because if the primary rubric of a good marriage in my mind is whether we made it another time span or not, then we are missing the fundamental question of whether I flourished the life, soul, gifts, mind, of my spouse? Did I truly love them well – love seen not in simply romantic feeling but life giving, life flourishing action. Is my spouse ‘better’ – knowing Jesus deeper, living out their calling, having their soul strengthened, defeating sin, feeling loved and cherished, etc –  this anniversary compared to last year?

Desiring – for whatever reason, religious guilt, shame, expectation, duty, safety – to simply make a marriage last temporarily, without first desiring to make my spouse flourish is not the definition of a good marriage but a prison sentence for a soul. 25 years in a life sucking marriage isn’t the goal of marriage. Woven into the fabric of marriage will always be longevity, but that is because it is the natural overflow of a marriage built by genuine love – the serving of the others soul.

When you think about your marriage, what marks its health? What defines its success? Hopefully the flourishing of your spouse’s soul! If you feel a certain level of comfort when you make it to the next anniversary, don’t take covenant commitment for granted and make marriage a soul prison when it was meant to be life giving.

If you are one of those couples that have just simply lasted, it’s not too late. Grace has got you this far and it is so amazing that life can come back to your marriage. Your marriage can become all it was meant to be and all that God wants it to be – and lets be honest, what you got into it hoping it would be. Start now. Start encouraging your spouse – as weird as it feels. Start finding ways to love them. Start simple. By the flowers. Write a note. Notice something good and tell them. Pray, genuinely pray for them. Get counselling. Figure out when you switched out of life mode into longevity mode.

If you want to be married…before you do, make the commitment to the flourishing of your spouse’s soul primarily and the longevity will come.

The goal of marriage isn’t simply to last, but to flourish.