Mike Rutledge.CA

Recently I have found myself in many conversations revolving around this thing called parenting – specifically being a dad. And these conversations have forced me to think about what being a dad is really like, especially the conversations with, well, new or soon to be fathers, who ask – or should be asking – what it’s all about. I am no expert, and not perfect by far, but I have come to realize a few things about that season of new-dadhood.

Dear New, soon to be, or hope to be, Dads,

You’re life is about to change in way that you literally cannot imagine. You might, if you are anything like me, think you know what it’s going to be like, but you don’t. No offense or anything, it is just the truth. The journey that lies ahead is one, that for you is uncharted waters, with no GPS, but it’s an incredible trip nonetheless. You will feel things you never knew before. You will be wrapped in wonderment and bewilderment all at once. You will be infuriated and full of joy, at the same time! It’s glorious really. But you won’t be ready…

So, having a healthy dose of fear is a good thing – you are tasked to raise a human…tasked with the shaping of a soul! Having a keen awareness of your inadequacy for the task ahead is wise, not weak. Don’t be ashamed because you are under qualified for this position of ‘soul shaper’. Don’t be too manly to talk to your spouse about your doubts and worries – because she’s got them too. Use this humbled position as the motivation to seek wisdom from the guys that have gone before for you. Maybe from your dad, a guy at church, a dad you have watched and respect. Get real good at asking real good questions – and pray… a lot.

Which naturally leads me to let you in on something you probably weren’t expecting, but adds the joy of this new and forever season of life. You will learn really quick, that you aren’t as patient or selfless as you thought. – in other word, Jesus still needs to keep digging some of the ugly stuff out. Just like when you first get married and that new stage of life exposes your flaws, your kid exposes the reality that you aren’t as far along in maturity as you thought – which is a good thing! God uses this season to refine you even more, helping you become the man he created and purposed you to be. I know it shocked me. I thought I was doing pretty well in terms of selflessness and patience. And when Olivia showed up and the glorious burden of parenting was placed on my shoulders, I realized that I still think about and love myself way too much. Don’t run from this. Embrace it. Thank God for it. Continue to grow.

Also, in a very intimidating way, you realize your decisions matter. The weight of responsibility that being a dad puts on you forces you to consider much about life. You need to consider your lifestyle, your behaviours, your eating habits, your budgets, your whatever, because of what these things might do to your child. How they will be affected? What do these thing teach them about life, God, or others? What values do they communicate? This is also really good for you. Have a good look at the life you have forged; is it a life you want your child to live too? If not, change it. This is an opportunity.

If you are in the soon to be Dad column, your wife has already up to this point connected with the baby in a way that you haven’t – she’s been carrying it for 9 months literally inside of her after all. She feels it move, kick, hiccup, and twirl. You maybe felt it a couple times. But if I could offer one small piece of advice for that moment you first see your child it would be this: Feel. Really feel. And express it; dive two feet in to that moment. Sure, we all experience and express emotions differently, but whatever kind of joy, love, laughter, tears, whatever it is, feel it. Don’t cap it. Connect. It’s not less manly, it’s called being a Dad. There is a love that you didn’t know. A joy that you didn’t know. These now flood your soul – mixed with a wee bit of terror of course – and let them. It’s good. You are holding your child. The miracle of a new life unfolding right before your eyes. Be completely, totally, soulfully, present.

Dads, take the time to truly see your new wife. By new, I don’t mean you have a different woman as your wife, but your wife is not the same person she was anymore – and it’s good. When Emily became a mom she became altogether even more – as if that were even possible – beautiful and captivating, As I was privileged to witness her blossom into motherhood, a whole new side of my wife became alive before my eyes. A corner of her soul that was laid dormant until now, was being revealed. What motherhood does to a woman’s soul can’t help but be expressed. It’s uncontainable. And so Dads, stop and stare. See her in her new glory, and love it. This is the woman God blessed you with in a deeper, more rich fullness than you knew previously. You have a choice. You can choose to see simply the chaos of a new born, or to see the calm of radiant motherhood. Choose the latter.

But Dads, your wife will need help. Recovery isn’t always easy. The new lifestyle that a new life requires is hard to adjust to. Sometimes it is really difficult, and maybe for your wife, mildly to crushingly depressing – yes, gentlemen Post Partum Depression is real – we might not understand it, but that doesn’t mean that it’s not a real thing. Whatever the case, your wife needs a partner, a friend, a support, a helper. Be to her what she is relentlessly to you. Take it from me, in this new phase of parenting and family, you will learn how incredible she is, how hard she works for you and your child, and how easily you will take her for granted. So preemptively learn that lesson and just trust me on this, and be to her what you will quickly realize she is to you – and never stop. 6 months, 12 months, 2 years… keep doing this Dads.

Honestly Dads, this letter could go on for a LONG time – we haven’t even talked about how kids can actually make your marriage better, or about actually interacting with your kids and the kind of crazy emotions and humbling experience you will go through. Or watching them grow up in complete awe, or saying all those cliché parenting things you swore you’d never say, or how much you realize you do what your parents did without even thinking about it, and the list goes on. So for the sake of time, I will end it here for now with 3 short, extremely practical, thoughts:

• You will be tired… and coffee is better for you black. Get used to both.
• Poop happens… literally… your wife will love you more if you clean it.
• Minivans are awesome, best car choice I have made.

Dads, God has trusted you with the most precious thing, a soul. This is not convenient, this not glamorous, this is not easy, this is not comfortable. But, this is your calling – if you are going to fail at something, don’t let it be this.