Mike Rutledge.CA

My wife and I were in a bit of a disagreement recently, when she stopped in the middle of it and said to me, “If you were counselling a couple right now, what would you be saying?”. This was her way of telling me that I need to stop, use some wisdom, and get out of the rut of trying to win an argument more than trying to promote unity.

In all humility, the problem really in a lot of those moments is that I have stopped listening.

There is the idea of the husband as one who is aloof. Who is there, but not really present. Who, as one Facebook post said, is the best person to tell a secret to, because they could never tell anyone, seeing as they weren’t listening in the first place.

I have been thinking about this whole listening thing lately and I have come to realize something that applies in all areas of my life, but really does impact my marriage, and it is this:

Listening is loving.  You truly listen to what you truly care about. You fully engage with what you love.

Now, generally speaking, even when you don’t listen you still love your spouse. But in that moment when your brain wanders as she opens up, or he talks to you about something he thinks is interesting, or they ask you a favour, or a conflict arises that you just don’t want to deal with, in that moment, you are clearly communicating one thing:

You don’t matter enough to me right now. Something else is more important.

Peter Drucker, in his book Managing the Nonprofit Organization (1990) said, “Listening is not a skill; it a discipline.” (pg. 20). And is it very true. Listening is a choice to value what is being said more than your desire to respond, more than the TV show currently catching your attention, more than the phone, or whatever else may be distracting you.  The excuse of “well I’m just not a good listener” is garbage. Disciplining oneself, choosing in that moment to engage fully with what is happening has nothing to do with skill, it has to do with affection.

You will listen to what you love.

You will give your mental space to what you consider most important and it is crazy that sometimes we will give that love to things that don’t matter at all. Especially in marriage. In those moments we will love the feeling of winning an argument, or the Facebook game we really should stop playing, or work, or whatever else fills our attention more.

I have sat with couples enough to know that often at the heart of a lot of issues is the choice to not really listen. Sure they hear, sure they definitely want to respond, but really listening – careful and care-filled attention – not so much.

Listening involves more than acknowledgement that the other is present and speaking. It’s about taking in the heart of what is being said. It is giving my full attention to not only the what that is being communicated but also to the who is communicating. It’s not having the “yea, but…” ready to go. It’s a humbled posture of mouth shut and heart open – even in the conversation that we could care less about. Do I really want to know more things about the moms groups, or flowers, or whatever other topic could arise? Probably not. But I do want to get better at letting Emily know that I care enough about her and what matters to her.

I say that because I have come to the realization that often, hidden within those seemingly mundane conversations of everyday life, are true revelations of how my wife is feeling –  what she is sensing about our family, her fears, and her insecurities. Nuanced comments that reveal where she is at and even expectations she has of me as the one that is supposed to care more about her soul than anyone else.

Listening is the decision to love the other person practically in that moment, with full attention, and with a full desire to understand.

Spouses, whether we mean to or not, when we disengage and when we don’t really hear, we are communicating we don’t really love our spouse enough in that moment. And yes, I know you could probably give me 80 reasons why when you do it, it’s not a values thing, it’s a tired thing, or some other excuse. And yes sure, maybe that one time – there’s always grace. But a habitual pattern of disengagement means you are telling them you don’t care – tired or not.

We need to chose to love through listening.