Mike Rutledge.CA

When Emily and I got married we received a lot of good and wise advice. But, one of the things that no one ever really talked about was kids.

Everyone expected that kids would appear one day, but no one ever spoke about how kids would really affect a marriage. Now, I am no expert in this area. But I do have one child and another on the way. Emily and I still love each other and all things considered, have a pretty good marriage – not perfect. So I wanted to take a moment to speak to this.

See, what I have heard people say before is that when you introduce a child into the house, ‘it changes things’, and it is usually said with some sort of negative tone. Then the warnings about sleeplessness and exhaustion, changing diapers and flexible schedules, and which books to read ensue. And then nothing. No, ‘here’s how to deal with it all well’, or ‘here’s how it will actually change marriage’. Nope, it was just ‘it changes things’.

And what I have come to discover is that my daughter arriving didn’t change my marriage, but she did expose it.

Yes, Olivia changed our sleeping patterns, our bank account, our time demands, and she even changed us as people, but our marriage – the covenant of selfless faithful love we made to each other – didn’t change. However, our weaknesses were exposed, and so were our strengths. Our bad habits, our lazy assumptions and our grace filled loving actions. All of these were made much clearer to us within our marriage.

When Olivia came around, I told people that she made our marriage better, and I still think that is true in that we have had to depend and trust each other in a way we really hadn’t before. There was a deepening of our partnership together, now as parents, not just a couple. Olivia was something together we had made, she is ours – for the time being – and we are together responsible for her. So, in that sense, better for sure.

But you know what else happened, I began to realize that overtime, the priority to pursue my wife had waned. In a pre baby world, it was definitely not great, but I managed. Now though, with the added energy and time going to another human being, it became all too apparent that my lazy assumptions about our romance were catching up.

I also began to realize that I hadn’t really worked on myself as a husband, becoming a better, more selfless, caregiver to my wife’s body and soul. Pre baby, our marriage could put up with a certain amount of my selfishness or unnecessary expectations, but now, not so much.

Another thing I began to realize, was that I wasn’t really a ‘house partner’ with Emily, but more of a ‘house dependent’. Sure I did some cooking, but she undertook most of the cleaning, organizing, and tidying. I wasn’t a great partner here – which pre baby was doable, though not ideal. But now, not sustainable or healthy for our marriage.

Kids don’t ruin marriages, spouses ruin marriages. Kids expose the cracks and it is our job to patch them, fix them, or if necessary, rebuild the entire thing.

So here are three quick points to help child proof your marriage.

• Intentionality – Children change the demand of your time and energy. Whether you are Type A, with 14 calendars and every organizational app known to humankind, or the complete opposite, time and energy will be sucked from your previous normal. And so, something’s got to give. You only have so much energy and so much time – these aren’t unlimited resources. This means you have to make sure you take time and save energy intentionally to invest in one another. Make date nights priority and actually do them. Intentions here mean nothing without follow through. You might think that things are going well and it is not that important this time… but it always is.  You may have to be more creative now, you may have to find new ways to connect, but the longer you wait, the harder it will be. Simply put – choose to make time for each other and don’t skimp. Do what you can, but do something.

• Humility – As said above, kids expose what was weak in the first place, and so instead of seeing this new season as potentially disastrous, see it as an opportunity. An opportunity to actually improve as you become educated in the weakness of your marriage. The only problem is that it takes a humbled soul to be able to learn the lessons and not blame the other spouse for all the problems that arise. YOU are at minimum 50% to blame for the weakness over all. Your selfishness contributes, your laziness effects you both, your lack of whatever… not just theirs, they have theirs. The issue is not that weakness will present itself; the issue is what are you going to do? You can repent to one another, work on it, and repair the broken. Or you can deny it, pretend like it is all their issue, and think if only he would… if only she knew… Marriage is hard work, and it takes a deep humility and care to thrive. Kids will either deepen your humility or heighten your pride. Pick the former.

• Remember – Having kids is amazing. It’s really an incredible thing that I hope all who can and are called to, will experience. But kids aren’t the point of marriage. They are a byproduct – a God ordained one at that. But they aren’t the primary purpose of a marriage. If your marriage hinges upon your children – or your personal fulfillment – then it’s set up to fail. The purpose of your marriage is to make you more like Jesus, to have a partner till the end, and a friendship that is rich and powerful . And yes, we love our kids, but they aren’t going to be around in 20 years when they go off to college, and find their own spouse, and then start having kids of their own. But you know who should be by the grace of God? Your spouse. Your covenant of life long love, honour, and friendship shouldn’t be dependent on kids being around or not. Which means this – kids aren’t an end in themselves for marriage. They are a blessing and they are wonderful, but they are a season. Our marriage needs to be seen not in the moments but the decades. You will always be a parent, yes,  but you will not always have the kids around. Marriage is about the long game, seeing to a future that is ever increasing in joy and working towards that together.

Kids are awesome. If you have kids, I pray that you will be humble enough to make sure this season makes your marriage stronger. Be intentional, be humble, and work for the last day.